strategic, specific training designed to carry me into a place where someone is actually and explicitly trained and ordered to kill me. Now I am called. And all of sudden I'm not enough. All those years (15 of them) for nothing. To be benched. Cast aside. Told to wait. Wait for what?

All this time I have been waiting it has felt like the Lord went silent. I struggle to read every day. My prayer time has become shorter. My life has filled up with anything and everything that isn't God. During this time, my obsession with control has been intentionally abraded. I am grasping at physical things I can control so that I will not be reminded that I am NOT in control of the greatest assignment I've ever been gifted.

The Lord, in fact, has not been silent. He hurt my feelings, so I refused to listen. All the while I have not been listening, the word "discipline" has crept into every single aspect of my life. Randomly I would think this word. It would show up in a tv show or an my facebook in some way. My daughter's softball team practiced discipline. Everywhere. He is quietly speaking to me; WATITING FOR ME (!) to listen. Hebrews 12:11 states that "no discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful.." and I agree wholeheartedly.

Therefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and rest your hope fully upon the grace that is to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ; as obedient children, not conforming yourselves to the former lusts, as in your ignorance; but as He who called you is holy, you also be in holy in your conduct. 1 Peter 1:13-15.

I don't believe that living holy is about ignoring the uncomfortable things in our lives. Honest battle plans cannot come if we are not honest about the battle. I KNOW I am not the only person who struggles to feel accepted or good enough or in control. If we don't anticipate and train for these battles, we will not be prepared when we are called to fight them.